I’m a creative 24 year old in a job that clashes with my values, and out of a relationship where once again I was misunderstood; where I was not appreciated for the depth in which I felt and my body responded to things. In all fairness I hadn’t understood this about myself either, and therefore if I was unable to accept what it was then I couldn’t own it and set boundaries for myself.
I am a highly sensitive person.
An example of my response to outside stimuli can be shown from a memory when I was around 10 years old, and watching Pirates of the Caribbean at my best friend’s house. It was the scene where Elizabeth had just been proposed to, and her corset was too tight preventing her from easily breathing. She fainted and fell into the sea where the medallion touched the water for the first time. What follows is a thud much like a heartbeat, as the medallion calls out to the crew of the black pearl and I felt the sound manifest inside my own chest. I felt it take over my own heartbeat, convincing me that my heart was going to plummet out of my chest. I became so overwhelmed that I had to leave the room and practice my breathing outside of the door for a few minutes. I didn’t think much of it at the time, as you don’t with your experiences growing up. I just knew I couldn’t handle being around that sound but I didn’t know why. This was a big sign that I was a highly sensitive person and the ability to have acknowledged this would have saved me from further difficulties in life. Not only in my teenage years and all of the confusion that accompanies it, but also in my relationships and friendships as an adult.
Most people, when witnessing me as I am in free expression with my emotions tend to disregard how I’m feeling. I’m labelled too sensitive; that I’m taking things too personally or the wrong way, or I have once freaked out a boy I was dating for laughing hysterically one minute and then being brought to tears by his critical words and rejection the next. The truth is that my nervous system is extra sensitive. Whether or not anyone has good intentions or bad intentions, I will respond to whatever tone or energy their words possess: negative or positive, as though inside I feel something rot, or I receive a bolt of warmth and electricity. I have never been a fan of ‘banter’ haha, and even the word ‘lover’ used by members of my family would push me to leave the room because I felt all the stimuli that entails an experience of having a lover. Wrong context for family members.
I’m sure most people experience the physical effects of sadness and happiness within their bodies too- right in their heart when someone they care for is sad. Or the adrenaline over their heart at something that means a lot to them. But where maybe they are able to see through other’s perspectives and judge whether or not a feeling is required, I struggle. I am too overwhelmed to think in any logical terms. The biggest task is explaining myself when I couldn’t before. Before I had blamed the person I was with for being too negative or insensitive or inconsiderate. This wasn’t fair because from their level of perception they weren’t- things just don’t have the same impact on them as they do to me. Expressing myself had always seemed like disrupting the peace, or being awkward, or creating tense situations. Nobody could give validation to how I was feeling because they were judging the situation from their own perception and so my feelings were an overreaction, or ridiculous and unnecessary. This caused damage to my self esteem and prevented me from freely expressing myself to others who weren’t already close. I’ve always kept people at a distance and myself to myself, and growing up I provided people with a character as a substitute for my real personality- as a form of self-protection. This was only damaging me further. When my Dad passed away at 17 I retreated into myself and shut people out further- how could I lay out a wound so huge and complicated and fresh when my feelings in general were already invalid? I rejected my own feelings. I demanded myself to feel certain ways so that I could be ‘right’. It was very unhealthy.
I have my first relationship to thank for my breakthrough, because for the first time since being a teenager I was allowed to express how I felt to someone outside of my family. Opening this door was intense and I reasoned away the magnitude of it by telling myself: ‘its just been repressed for so long that I’m feeling everything twice as much.’ But it felt amazing! I felt like I was becoming the person I had always been, as if I was finally fitting into my skin with ease, and growth did start to happen. It wasn’t without it’s negative sides but even expressing them was a step forward.
So now, at 24, after writing a novel on oppression and a misunderstood character in a critical and closed minded society; writing songs about feeling so much that Ibecome burned out; writing diaries about desperately seeking to be understood and be treated right, after everyone challenged me by telling me that I had a thing about being treated well; they said I already was, I was just looking at everything wrongly. I didn’t have a thing- they just didn’t understand the depths of it. I’ve finally learned what being a highly sensitive person is and as a result my confidence in myself to handle people and situations has grown. I feel a little more empowered.
What being a highly sensitive person means:
– Needing to have feelings validated
– Noticing changes in moods and environments
– Physically feeling broken, cracked, overwhelmed, rot, pangs, disruption, inner screams that feel like they’ll tear through your body and shake off your skin when witnessing an injustice.
– Feeling as though you have two hearts when in love and feeling on the brink of losing control
When I was about 9 years old a boy had been dropped callously on his back after two other boys thought it would be funny to swing him around in a game recklessly. An ambulance had to be called and everyone rushed to the scene on the playground to see it, except for me. I had seen and felt the thud. The horrible tone of the act was too muchfor me to face and I hid in the bathroom where I didn’t mention the incident to anyone and stayed there for a very long time, trying to stay away from anything that reminded me of that tone. It felt like my world was crashing, and my safety was threatened. It felt uncertain and terrifying that something like this could happen, that people could be capable of doing this. I could not bare to think of the injured party and what feelings of inadequacy he was going through. It had a big impact with its universal semantics and I instantly felt the emotional and mental consequences of the injured party as if it was happening to me right now and not to him in the distant future after all was said and done. I could see the repercussions as if they were waves coursing through the atmosphere. Most of the time these don’t happen, thankfully. But to me the worry was very much present.
Just three weeks ago at work, I watched a manager physically assault a staff member by tripping him up so that he landed flat on his back after being aggravated. This resulted in the staff member having a grazed arm and experiencing humiliation and vulnerability. Nobody responded to it, except for me. I told the manager it was unacceptable, went to higher management to report the incident and when it was handled with disregard I felt like I was in an intense raindrop with a threatening splash surrounding me that was a substitute for my actual skin. I was shaking, I was angry and my mind could not move past the moment. I hid in the bathroom again, and then decided to express my concerns to higher management about the whole thing. He did not understand what it had to do with me. I could not believe he could not understand. I talked about safety at work, trust, responsibility, emotional and mental damages and if left, a dent in the victim’s self esteem. I knew that if justice was not served, the injured party would begin to feel trapped and without a voice. I couldn’t bare the spirit of a living creature being put out like this. Afterwards I decided to go home, unable to accept the injustice and carry on working in that environment, alongside the assaulting manager, and for managers with little compassion expressed for their staff.
I am incredibly lucky to have a powerhouse, supportive mother who never shunned me or rejected me when I came to her to confess or express hard, unwanted feelings. I was never disrespected or invalidated by my mother. I have yet to fully express to her what a gift this is to me, and how deeply grateful I am to receive this acceptance and understanding. I have two best friends who also give me this same support. More than anything they are so very, very valuable and amazing people, and I can fully appreciate them now.
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If someone in your life appears to be overreacting, perhaps try to take a moment to understand their experience. If you are the one being told that you are overreacting, find the courage to accept your experience and own yourself. Be calm, kind and clear. Explain how you work and set boundaries, limit exposure to negative stimuli without apologies. You don’t have to change or fit a mould, you only have to take care of yourself. Most of all, never allow anybody’s self esteem to be damaged. Respect everyone and treat everyone with kindness. If you don’t receive that treatment from someone, it’s better to walk away from them. It’s what you deserve and you shouldn’t have to accept any less.
Sending love to my readers.
YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU, don’t ever forget that.
Grace King 