When you seek a friend in confusing times, what are you really searching for? Is it for someone else to tell you what to do? Or is it to be listened to so you can decipher your own inner guidance, find empowerment and rebuild trust in your own inner voice?
Do both aid the same purpose, or can one only exist without the other?
It’s important not to give your friends advice when they don’t ask for it. You may think you know better than them and you want to help. Sit with that for a minute. Because that’s the exact message you’re giving them: you know better than them.
When we are so lost and disconnected from ourselves we reach out for support from loved ones. We’re so fragile, this can be a tense situation for all involved. Have we ever asked why we’re feeling fragile, or have we just accepted we’re incapable of inner security, leaving our fate in someone else’s hands?
Let’s ask why we’re feeling fragile. If you’re the friend that has been sought out in dark times, I want you to observe the situation too. Why are they fragile? Our world should be led by us so when we feel the world is happening to us, we can feel pushed and pulled without a real sense of centre. Are they primarily fragile because of external circumstances do you think, or is it more internal? Think hard about where we place the power with our answer to that question? Where should the power actually be?
Only we, ourselves, know what’s right for us. We cannot find the answers outside of ourselves. If that were the case then we wouldn’t be individual souls but more vacuous, manoeuvrable substances that could be manipulated by others. As a friend do we want our friend to be strong, happy and self-assured, or reliant on others, unstable and turbulent?
We are not the healers for our troubled friends: they are the healers. We are there to remind them of that. We are there to help them to heal themselves. What advice we may want to give may well suit us, but we don’t know what suits them. So hold it back- it could do more damage than good and for what? When you give advice to someone, you are saying “Don’t trust yourself, listen to me. Give your power to me because you don’t have any.”
When someone comes to you for help, remind them of their power. Help them see they have given it away and they need to reclaim it. Help them rebuild trust in themselves. Give them love and support so that they have borrowed courage to do what’s right for them. Because we are not other people and we cannot live their lives for them. When we give advice and things go wrong, we are to blame when they listen to us! We can say, they could have chosen not to listen to me, but how kind is that now? Where was that attitude when they asked for help? It’s ok when you don’t want the responsibility anymore but when you did, you were happy for them to put their faith in you.
The responsibility was never ours. So when they don’t follow our advice are we going to be mad at them? No, because the responsibility is not ours. If we can’t honour their unique voice and choices, then do we truly honour our own?
You are the only voice you need to listen to. Yes, you need support and guidance sometimes, like everyone. But ultimately, the power is all yours. You should never be trapped by guilt, fear, distrust, confusion, anger, shame, despair. Those experiences need to be heard. What do they want to tell you? How would you feel about looking after their needs? Can you merge the troubled feeling with the appropriate responsive feeling, and put them back inside of you, together?
Sometimes we need borrowed trust, borrowed confidence and borrowed love. That’s so precious when our own resources are so neglected. When someone comes to you for help, ask them what they really need?
When you seek help from others, tell them what you need.
I recently asked for advice from my mum about confronting someone who had hurt me. She told me she was worried that by confronting them in my state, it would only hurt me more. I realised she was right and I appreciated this support that I actively sought out. How many times had I acted impulsively to my feelings under the guise of sticking up for myself? I couldn’t see that I was only causing more damage to my inner being.
I read an interesting article on Karma recently that advised keeping your side of the pavement clean. People have to walk their own dirtied pavement if that’s how they make it so. Sometimes we don’t know what the right decision is or what’s good for us. It starts slow to listen to our hearts and it helps to see the signs when we’re in need of this: tension in the body, struggle to breathe, tight chest, overactive mind. We always need our boundaries respecting. I’m not saying to not seek advice when you need support, but to make sure people respect the boundary of not giving you advice without you seeking it. Your personal power comes with its own demand for respect in this regard.
Look after yourselves!
Grace King 
😊👍
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